How about I drop everything I'm doing and help you

Disclaimer: None of what I write is directed at one specific person, group of people or entities. Please don't try to bust my ass. Thanks! 


So I have this job where I pretty much am asked to do alot of stuff. Sometimes its fun cool stuff like watch this kid do something amazing like take their first steps or play a game on the wii (my favorite thing to do) with a kid where his left side is weaker. But then there are things like hey Kell can you run down and grab a pair of crutches, 1 pair of each size oh and can you walk them down to a therapist and bring back the ones she (because yes, its a predominantly female profession) doesn't need.

Usually I roll my eyes at the latter and try to pass it off on someone else like a fellow co-worker or a volunteer. In the event that I can't persuade someone to do it, I will walk my butt down across the skyway, with 5 sets of crutches with a smile on my face while inwardly cursing about the heavy crutches in my arms. Now don't get me wrong I absolutely love my job and all the things that could possibly annoy it. I actually even leave my home early to get to work that's how much I enjoy it.

But there are some days when I feel like the Rehab Bitch....I swore hahaha bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch ok I got it out my system and I hope you are over the use of that word.

So, I'm running around like my head is cut off doing my own regular bitch work that I thoroughly enjoy. When all of a sudden guess who comes along yep you 

...asking me to do something for you that you could probably do in 2 seconds rather than talking to me and explaining what it is that you want done. Oh you want me to mail the letter you just wrote to a family...when really what you are asking is for me to do is to lick the envelope and put it in the mail slot. Oh wait a second we are standing in front of the mailboxes and you've already sealed the envelope and put a stamp on it. So what you really want me to do is to stop the work that I am getting paid to do.... to do something that you and I are both capable of doing and you probably have a block in your schedule where there is time for you to walk 10 feet from your chair and drop the letter into the mail slot.

Or better yet I'm currently walking down the hall going to grab a patient and you've just pulled me aside to talk about a project you want me to finish by the end of the day. Um are you serious.....unlike you I don't get a block of time in my schedule I'm on 7 hours during an 8 hour shift. I don't get built in blocks in my schedule and now you are smiling and asking me to do something for you and your saying please and thank you and talking to me like I'm a toddler. Like if you just talk in a soft voice I will gladly jump for joy and do your bidding. You must have lost your mind...but oh no wait I'm nodding and smiling back saying of course I can help you finish your task because that's what people do.

Don't worry you are not the only person who orders me around. That's my mothers job as well.

This is an everyday scenario that I will share with you. I come home from a long day of grunt work, eat dinner and retreat into the basement where I will attempt to read about 100 pages or so of a book. When my mother from her bedroom yells down to me (Yes, she actually does yell, and her voice reaches me in the basement)....oooh or better yet she will call me using the house phone intercom to come upstairs. Begrudginly I will put down my book and run up 32 stairs and into her bedroom. Hey Mom, whats up I'll say. She will respond with "Can you pass me the remote control on the dresser." Ok pause the story. Does anyone see anything wrong with this scenario.... This woman just called me from the basement of the house to ask me to pass her a remote control that is on the dresser in her bedroom.

Wow thats just lazy! But hey she's my mom she's allowed to order me around and be lazy after 50+ years of working.

Back to the point.

I'd just like you all to know that just because their is someone below you in a job doesn't mean that they have to be doing your grunt work. And if heaven forbid you are one of those people then you better stop placating those of us "bitches" with all of your grunt work because maybe one day we'll snap. I'm not saying I wil,l because I'm generally a nice person. I'm just saying someone out there might and it may not be pretty.

Remember the golden rule folks! Treat others how you would like to be treated. And if you do ask people to help you do grunt work just remember that they are people too and they have feelings. Be a role model and occasionally thank the people who serve under you. Not because I said it but because it is the right thing to do.

Don't ask me to ridiculous things for you if you wouldn't want someone to ask you to do it. If it sounds bad to you, it probably will sound just the same to me.

Sorry to burst your bubble

So I'm not really sure what it is about me. Maybe its because I'm short, or cute, or cuddly. Or all of the above! Maybe its because I'm fun-sized, or that I can fit into most tall peoples pockets. Well I can't really fit into anyone's pockets but you get the general idea.

For some reason people love to stand really close to me. I'm not sure when exactly I turned from loving to be in close quarters with my fellow friends/humans etc. But I  really dislike tall people or really anyone for that matter being all up in my grill. And yes, I understand that I am annoyingly short, I mean my height on a good day is 5'0! So to most people I am small no matter what, even those people of average size.

Ok back to the point....which was my issue with personal space

I used to hate hand holding yeah me the biggest romantic ever, hated hand holding. And don't even get me started on my many significant others (just kidding or am I?) resting their arm around me. I used to love cuddling  while watching movies or sleeping. But now I'm like oh my god it gets hot being in someone else's armpit, and you have to deal with sweat and stench.

Somewhere down the line I realized that I do not want to be in close proximity to my fellow humans. Yes, there are parts in the world where personal space is pretty much non-existant. Paris for example. There are always these disgustingly cute couples or ugly couples making out right above peoples heads. Seriously I'm sure I got some saliva droppings in my hair because there was so much shoving of tongues down throats.  I understand that we all breathe the same air but I do not want to be breathing the same hot sweaty air that is coming out of your mouth, unless I invite you to do so.

Please don't be offended if you've been in my personal space and didn't realize that you were in fact bursting my bubble ---so to speak. Maybe I'm just getting old and crotchety but I don't like to be crowded and I feel like if you are not at least an arms (my arm specifically) width away from me you are probably making me feel slightly uncomfortable.

I've spent a lot of time making it look like I am in fact comfortable with people invading my bubble but in reality I'm actually cringing away from you on the inside and planning an escape route when you are in fact way to close for comfort. Lets be real people if I don't invite you to my bubble its probably because I'm a) claustrophobic b) you have bad breath c) I'm black or d) I'm just uncomfortable when people get to close to me physically. I'm trying to get over it really I am but I just don't know how to. In the mean time lets all just remember to take a couple steps back from each other, its a sign of respect and camaraderie plus I just may not deck you in the boob or give you a swift kick to your shin because those are really the only places I can actually reach. Har har har. Ok well I hope you space invaders have learned your lesson. I don't like you in my space ....so knock it off OK!

Time and Tide

Ok here's the thing I know I'm super anal about being on time, but I do realize when its appropriate to be fashionably late. Those times consist of when you are getting ready for a date and he is picking you up from your house. Then yeah you got to make them sweat a little bit. Pretend like you're still putting the finishing touches on yourself. I mean I GOT GAME (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=game  check number 4 in particular if you don't understand the vernacular). Or you're about to go to a killer party and everybody knows only losers show up early. 

Long story short I'm doing this whole online dating thing. Yup I am, boohoo go kick rocks if you think its a big deal. I'm just a busy woman who barely has time for sleep let alone a relationship, but yeah I still do want one. 

Anyway so I had this guy hit me up. Ok, checked his photo, pretty attractive. Educational background, has a masters and is on his way to completing a second one in production engineering, in other words SMART. Doesn't speak using "EBONICS", check. So far on paper or rather online this guy is seeming really good in my book. We set up a time that works for both of us to go on a first date. He let me pick the place, I let him pick the time and he set the reservation.

So its Thursday I get off work early. I go home, shower, put on a cute outfit consisting of an off the shoulder top with skinny jeans and heels. I'm looking hot to trot (yeah I said it, take it or leave it). I leave my house and get to the restaurant at 7:05, now 7pm was the reservation time that he set. So I get there and the maître'd says that I'm the first person in my party to arrive. Yup I'm ticked off because I arrived 5 minutes late and he isn't there. STRIKE ONE!. So I sit down order myself a glass of wine peruse the menu. The time is now 7:15, so where the f*** is he? I text him and he texts back "I'm on my way". First off you're late and I'm the one who has to text you. ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS????? There is no way I got this cute for a dude to be late to a date he initiated. STRIKE TWO! I don't do odd numbers, so in my book HE'S OUT!!!

Alright so I'm anal about time but who isn't? I absolutely hate being late unless its called for. And you should too! Lateness is a blatant sign of disrespect and worse is not telling the party/person/people that are waiting for you that you are running late. C'mon are you kidding me. Well here's how the rest of the date went: he finally showed up at 7:30 yup a full 30 minutes late, the conversation was lame as he pretty much picked up his cell phone and accepted like 20 calls, ok well it was more like 2. So I got two more drinks, had something to eat then told him I had to go because I had a previous engagement and had he not been late we could've chatted a bit more (a bit passive aggressive I know). Oh yeah and when the bill came he said we were splitting it. I know you and I are both thinking what an ASSHOLE right!!! You best believe he will not be seeing my wonderful face again. JERK!

If you are going to date me be conscious of the fact that I will call you out on your lateness and I will be super bitchy and refer to it throughout the rest of the evening. Time and tide waits for no man ...and neither do I. Be on time or let me know that you can't make it at the appointed time, I've got plenty to do and alot to see, if you can't be there then its on to the next one.