2011 in Review

the 3 month plan

So I have this dating rule that I've used since beginning my serious dating career. I call it "Kelly's 3 month rule." This isn't really a rule more like a plan I put in place to navigate the good guys  from the bad guys in this crazy dating world. This plan consists of rules like...:

 1) No physical contact - no kissing, holding hands, no hoohaa here ...I'm as prude as they come within the first couple of months. You will get a hug at the end of each date though. Teeheehee! But don't try to go in for the kiss because I will dead you (embarrass you that is).

2) I will not  be enjoying your company or you enjoying mine at you place of residence. I don't like to place myself in situations where you can kill me and put me in your freezer, nuh uh I watch ID (Investigation Discovery) at work, I know how that story ends up. 

3) No labeling the relationship until at least after the 3 months that we've known each other. I'm casually dating every Tom, Dick and Harry. So, No!, we are not exclusive until I feel you're not a stalker.

4) I will not let you pick up each and every bill...you may feel I owe you something and I don't do well with owing people things...I will no put out just because you took me to Applebee's. At least take me to someplace that I can't even say the name or something.

5) You don't get to meet my family until I say so. So no unannounced visits to my crib....I live in the hood, and people get shot for that type of stuff. Or in my family we use the machete and chop you into little pieces and feed you to my cat. (Just kidding.....kinda!)

I'm sure there are more rules but these are the ones that I can readily recall.  By now you are probably thinking  I would never want to date this girl she sounds way to obsessed with perfection and details. Let me first say that while I may have all of these rules they are only known to me so I don't go scaring off any potential suitors.  In the event that a guy asks me to come back to his place or meet my family I always make up an excuse as to why I can't. And believe me my excuses are bomb.com...I never really lie I just pick and choose the bits that I think fit together and run with it.

The real reason I have this plan is because its scary dating in the real world. In high school I was the serial monogamist while still having the ability to play the field girl. I always had a back up guy that I was friendly with just in case my boyfriend acted a fool, or thought I wouldn't find someone to replace him. I'm not as brutal as I'm making myself sound though.  I just was really popular with the boys if you could imagine that. I love sports, and partying. I'm a guy's girl at heart, plus I can throw down in the kitchen when it really comes down to it. So guys usually get the best of both worlds with me. For some reason though things always don't work maybe he's getting lazy and living off of me. Or maybe he found another girl who's giving him some on the side whatever the case may be I leave, or he leaves and I find myself back to square one. In college it was so nice because I could go out at night to a frat party with something tight and short and it was like sexy time for me. Now that I'm in the real world however it as if God is playing some sick joke with my love life. Find one guy who may be awesome and then I find out he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Find another guy who is awesome but he's not interested in anything but having casual sex and I am certainly not about lifestyle.

So remember that guy that I wrote about in my last november post about giving him a second chance to making a good impression?

So after we went out on our date I thought ok this guy is definitely a keeper. Educated, no kids, big family and good conversation. In my book he was a #winner.

 We went on a couple more dates and got along great. I mean I wasn't planning our children's names or anything crazy like that but I was thinking that he was the frontrunner in the race for my affections. Well shit hit the fan so to speak when he asked me to go out on a date ....we decided something fun like bowling. So we make plans without being too specific (which is very hard for me but I'm learning to try and go with the flow). It's Friday I'm wearing something cute and I casually hit dude up and say hey what time are we meeting at. I get no response from him. Which is normal, I know, I know. Not everyone is like me and eat, sleeps, and poops with cell phone in hand. Two hours later he sends a text that says, "I'm sorry I can't do this." Jokingly I replied, "Wait are you breaking up with me, I didn't even know we were dating." I didn't get a response back so within 10 minutes, I texted back asking if everything was ok. Still no response. so right now I'm feeling the KateMoss swagg

 ...and I'm like well fuck him, I'm not gonna sit around waiting around for dude. He's rude and I'm not about to play that game where you don't call and I have to call you. I've never been on that doormat flow. So I'm getting ready to leave work when all of a sudden I get a phone call, its him. I answer and he sounds different, almost as if he is under scrutiny. I stay calm and cool and speak plainly. He's like yeah its over, and I'm like ok. He's all, you don't want to know why and I'm like well you called me so I'm going to let you tell your story. Come to find out this asshole has had a girlfriend and just recently came clean to her that he is on a dating website. What a colossal jerk, right. I tell him to tell his girlfriend no disrespect and then I promptly hang up the phone and delete him from my contacts. I despise liars and people I can't trust it always makes for bad outcomes. This is why the 3-month plan is in place so that the good guys make it to the front of the line and the bad guys stumble over themselves and end up in hell. Amen. Hallelujah. Peace OUT!

update: Guy now has broken up with said girlfriend and has been blowing up my phone. How many people think he deserves a chance and how many people think I should tell him to kick rocks. Write your answer in the comment section.

Thanks!

Move B****, GET OUT THE WAY

So I'm not sure exactly when this started but honest to God (and I am taking his name in vain but for a good purpose) I can't believe how many idiotic drivers we have on the roads today. Like OMG! The amount of dumbasses talking and driving on their cell phones or switching radio stations every five seconds, or munching on a burger from McD's is astounding. Now I have done at least one of these things at one time or another but I believe myself to be a pretty defensive driver. Now I know that only having had my license for a year, but I like to think that the lack of experience I have I make up for it in common sense. 

Moving on. Now I may offend some of you with what I'm about to say but I'm just going to do it, and you should probably get over it at some point. The two worst set of drivers are old people and I mean OLD people and Somalians. Don't worry I'll also include stupid pedestrians in this post as well. 

Lets start with the first example of older people. I realize that one day I will get old and that my driving reflexes will be dulled but seriously take public transportation it'll probably get you there in the same amount of time as the speed you are currently driving at. An elderly person is driving and consistently braking....not because there is something in front of them but because they are exceeding the speed limit. 

C'mon grandpa you're in the fast lane lets move it up to 60 or 65. I can't even pass you because you're driving the same speed limit as the person in the lane over and you are making me late to work. I absolutely have no patience for this shit so I'm pretty sure I'll flick you off. As I finally pass you I'm feeling rather upset and yelling (in my mind anyway) obscenities at this stupid f***tard who wont move over to the next lane so I can pass you. Thats what the slow lane is for you freaking idiot. I pass you finally and peer into the passenger window where you are trying to avoid looking at me and omg you're an old person. Instantly I try to take back all the negative thoughts and profanities I just yelled at you while still obviously mad over the situation, I mean I have a heart too ya know. Just next time drive your ass in the slow lane ok. So I feel a slight twinge of regret but hey shit happens. 


On to my next victims! Somali drivers!

Usually I would not single out a specific ethinicity group  but sometimes you just gotta tell it the way it is ya feel me? So here's an example from today. I pull up to a parking spot at work ...street parking and I'm about to give the world my awesome version of parallel parking...so I pull up to the car in front just enough distance etc etc I whip my little honda crv 

like Willow Smith whips her hair back and forth. Thats how good I am at parallel parking. Now I put my car in reverse because I'd like to get closer to the sidewalk without rubbing my tires against the pavement.  So I'm keeping my eyes on my passenger side mirror I'm backing up and all of a sudden...lets call it female intuition tells me to look in my rear view mirror. I look back in my rear view mirror when lo and behold this fucking asshole who is on the opposite side of the road tries to do a 3 point turn right in the space that I'm backing up into....

 lets examine the figure below

do you see where the number one arrow leads to....yeah that's the space my car was backing into before he decided to play god with my car...

now what the fuck is he doing ...

I'm a little ashamed to say/admit this but I rolled my window down and politely asked him although I'm pretty sure he couldn't hear since his window was rolled up if he thought we was (this is a direct quote) "DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DRIVING A FUCKING CAMEL!" You FUCKING ASSHOLE I COULD'VE HIT YOUR FUCKING CAR....WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS! He precedes to then park in the spot in front of the car I just parallel parked behind. Now is it me or was he clearly a fucking idiot. My mom always says that you don't drive for yourself you drive for other people on the road...well really she says "Yuh nuh drive fi yuhself yuh drive fi di ediaat driva dem" but I think the English version shall suffice for an interpretation. Seriously, though Somali drivers are always just doing something to irk me. Like talking on the phone using both hands to gesture and no hand on the steering wheel thus making the car swerve into my lane. Or the women are forever turning into lanes without signaling..or omg running a red light and almost broadsiding my mothers vehicle with my nephew in the back. Honestly in my mind and I know its harsh to say but no other worse drivers can compare to these people. In fact I want to petition that every Somali driver actually sit their road test with someone who is not Somalian. Because lets face it we all know everyone tries to go to the easiest place there is and find someone who is like us whether by gender or race who will undoubtedly pass us based on those likeness qualities. Plus half the time they don't even have licenses and then whose insurance rate goes up because of their stupidity.


Pedestrians, Pedestrians....I will not let you off of the hook either. 


Alright now picture the same scenario as the previous scene. Only this really isn't a scenario but happened to me on last week Thursday. I'm whipping my car into a tight spot but I'm gonna make it when all of a sudden this woman who I saw crossing the street decides that my moving car is the perfect place to walk behind. I slam on my breaks even though I wasn't going fast at all so as to prevent from tapping her and this woman doesn't even glance towards me. 

Want to know why...
because she's a fucking idiot thats why and stupid people always know when they have royally f'ed up. Listen up pedestrian I don't know if you've ever heard this before but its another saying i've picked up from my dear mother. "You never see a car in the morgue!" and this saying is very true...because people die when they get hit by cars or sometimes even while still in their cars. But banged up cars get recycled and turned into new car parts. People can't regenerate like that yet. So don't be and f'in idiot ok. Learn how to walk on the sidewalk and don't walk behind moving cars. Otherwise . . .

Cars can kill people. That's my point.....don't be stupid with your life. Oh and your driving...yeah it SUCKS! 


Also sorry for the profanity, I'm working on it but when I get really heated about a particular topic it unleashes. But really uncensored Kelly is way better than censored Kelly.