Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
the 3 month plan
So I have this dating rule that I've used since beginning my serious dating career. I call it "Kelly's 3 month rule." This isn't really a rule more like a plan I put in place to navigate the good guys from the bad guys in this crazy dating world. This plan consists of rules like...:
1) No physical contact - no kissing, holding hands, no hoohaa here ...I'm as prude as they come within the first couple of months. You will get a hug at the end of each date though. Teeheehee! But don't try to go in for the kiss because I will dead you (embarrass you that is).
2) I will not be enjoying your company or you enjoying mine at you place of residence. I don't like to place myself in situations where you can kill me and put me in your freezer, nuh uh I watch ID (Investigation Discovery) at work, I know how that story ends up.
3) No labeling the relationship until at least after the 3 months that we've known each other. I'm casually dating every Tom, Dick and Harry. So, No!, we are not exclusive until I feel you're not a stalker.
4) I will not let you pick up each and every bill...you may feel I owe you something and I don't do well with owing people things...I will no put out just because you took me to Applebee's. At least take me to someplace that I can't even say the name or something.
5) You don't get to meet my family until I say so. So no unannounced visits to my crib....I live in the hood, and people get shot for that type of stuff. Or in my family we use the machete and chop you into little pieces and feed you to my cat. (Just kidding.....kinda!)
I'm sure there are more rules but these are the ones that I can readily recall. By now you are probably thinking I would never want to date this girl she sounds way to obsessed with perfection and details. Let me first say that while I may have all of these rules they are only known to me so I don't go scaring off any potential suitors. In the event that a guy asks me to come back to his place or meet my family I always make up an excuse as to why I can't. And believe me my excuses are bomb.com...I never really lie I just pick and choose the bits that I think fit together and run with it.
The real reason I have this plan is because its scary dating in the real world. In high school I was the serial monogamist while still having the ability to play the field girl. I always had a back up guy that I was friendly with just in case my boyfriend acted a fool, or thought I wouldn't find someone to replace him. I'm not as brutal as I'm making myself sound though. I just was really popular with the boys if you could imagine that. I love sports, and partying. I'm a guy's girl at heart, plus I can throw down in the kitchen when it really comes down to it. So guys usually get the best of both worlds with me. For some reason though things always don't work maybe he's getting lazy and living off of me. Or maybe he found another girl who's giving him some on the side whatever the case may be I leave, or he leaves and I find myself back to square one. In college it was so nice because I could go out at night to a frat party with something tight and short and it was like sexy time for me. Now that I'm in the real world however it as if God is playing some sick joke with my love life. Find one guy who may be awesome and then I find out he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Find another guy who is awesome but he's not interested in anything but having casual sex and I am certainly not about lifestyle.
So remember that guy that I wrote about in my last november post about giving him a second chance to making a good impression?
So after we went out on our date I thought ok this guy is definitely a keeper. Educated, no kids, big family and good conversation. In my book he was a #winner.
We went on a couple more dates and got along great. I mean I wasn't planning our children's names or anything crazy like that but I was thinking that he was the frontrunner in the race for my affections. Well shit hit the fan so to speak when he asked me to go out on a date ....we decided something fun like bowling. So we make plans without being too specific (which is very hard for me but I'm learning to try and go with the flow). It's Friday I'm wearing something cute and I casually hit dude up and say hey what time are we meeting at. I get no response from him. Which is normal, I know, I know. Not everyone is like me and eat, sleeps, and poops with cell phone in hand. Two hours later he sends a text that says, "I'm sorry I can't do this." Jokingly I replied, "Wait are you breaking up with me, I didn't even know we were dating." I didn't get a response back so within 10 minutes, I texted back asking if everything was ok. Still no response. so right now I'm feeling the KateMoss swagg
...and I'm like well fuck him, I'm not gonna sit around waiting around for dude. He's rude and I'm not about to play that game where you don't call and I have to call you. I've never been on that doormat flow. So I'm getting ready to leave work when all of a sudden I get a phone call, its him. I answer and he sounds different, almost as if he is under scrutiny. I stay calm and cool and speak plainly. He's like yeah its over, and I'm like ok. He's all, you don't want to know why and I'm like well you called me so I'm going to let you tell your story. Come to find out this asshole has had a girlfriend and just recently came clean to her that he is on a dating website. What a colossal jerk, right. I tell him to tell his girlfriend no disrespect and then I promptly hang up the phone and delete him from my contacts. I despise liars and people I can't trust it always makes for bad outcomes. This is why the 3-month plan is in place so that the good guys make it to the front of the line and the bad guys stumble over themselves and end up in hell. Amen. Hallelujah. Peace OUT!
update: Guy now has broken up with said girlfriend and has been blowing up my phone. How many people think he deserves a chance and how many people think I should tell him to kick rocks. Write your answer in the comment section.
Thanks!
1) No physical contact - no kissing, holding hands, no hoohaa here ...I'm as prude as they come within the first couple of months. You will get a hug at the end of each date though. Teeheehee! But don't try to go in for the kiss because I will dead you (embarrass you that is).
2) I will not be enjoying your company or you enjoying mine at you place of residence. I don't like to place myself in situations where you can kill me and put me in your freezer, nuh uh I watch ID (Investigation Discovery) at work, I know how that story ends up.
3) No labeling the relationship until at least after the 3 months that we've known each other. I'm casually dating every Tom, Dick and Harry. So, No!, we are not exclusive until I feel you're not a stalker.
4) I will not let you pick up each and every bill...you may feel I owe you something and I don't do well with owing people things...I will no put out just because you took me to Applebee's. At least take me to someplace that I can't even say the name or something.
5) You don't get to meet my family until I say so. So no unannounced visits to my crib....I live in the hood, and people get shot for that type of stuff. Or in my family we use the machete and chop you into little pieces and feed you to my cat. (Just kidding.....kinda!)
I'm sure there are more rules but these are the ones that I can readily recall. By now you are probably thinking I would never want to date this girl she sounds way to obsessed with perfection and details. Let me first say that while I may have all of these rules they are only known to me so I don't go scaring off any potential suitors. In the event that a guy asks me to come back to his place or meet my family I always make up an excuse as to why I can't. And believe me my excuses are bomb.com...I never really lie I just pick and choose the bits that I think fit together and run with it.
The real reason I have this plan is because its scary dating in the real world. In high school I was the serial monogamist while still having the ability to play the field girl. I always had a back up guy that I was friendly with just in case my boyfriend acted a fool, or thought I wouldn't find someone to replace him. I'm not as brutal as I'm making myself sound though. I just was really popular with the boys if you could imagine that. I love sports, and partying. I'm a guy's girl at heart, plus I can throw down in the kitchen when it really comes down to it. So guys usually get the best of both worlds with me. For some reason though things always don't work maybe he's getting lazy and living off of me. Or maybe he found another girl who's giving him some on the side whatever the case may be I leave, or he leaves and I find myself back to square one. In college it was so nice because I could go out at night to a frat party with something tight and short and it was like sexy time for me. Now that I'm in the real world however it as if God is playing some sick joke with my love life. Find one guy who may be awesome and then I find out he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Find another guy who is awesome but he's not interested in anything but having casual sex and I am certainly not about lifestyle.
So remember that guy that I wrote about in my last november post about giving him a second chance to making a good impression?
So after we went out on our date I thought ok this guy is definitely a keeper. Educated, no kids, big family and good conversation. In my book he was a #winner.
update: Guy now has broken up with said girlfriend and has been blowing up my phone. How many people think he deserves a chance and how many people think I should tell him to kick rocks. Write your answer in the comment section.
Thanks!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Move B****, GET OUT THE WAY
So I'm not sure exactly when this started but honest to God (and I am taking his name in vain but for a good purpose) I can't believe how many idiotic drivers we have on the roads today. Like OMG! The amount of dumbasses talking and driving on their cell phones or switching radio stations every five seconds, or munching on a burger from McD's is astounding. Now I have done at least one of these things at one time or another but I believe myself to be a pretty defensive driver. Now I know that only having had my license for a year, but I like to think that the lack of experience I have I make up for it in common sense.
Moving on. Now I may offend some of you with what I'm about to say but I'm just going to do it, and you should probably get over it at some point. The two worst set of drivers are old people and I mean OLD people and Somalians. Don't worry I'll also include stupid pedestrians in this post as well.
Lets start with the first example of older people. I realize that one day I will get old and that my driving reflexes will be dulled but seriously take public transportation it'll probably get you there in the same amount of time as the speed you are currently driving at. An elderly person is driving and consistently braking....not because there is something in front of them but because they are exceeding the speed limit.
C'mon grandpa you're in the fast lane lets move it up to 60 or 65. I can't even pass you because you're driving the same speed limit as the person in the lane over and you are making me late to work. I absolutely have no patience for this shit so I'm pretty sure I'll flick you off. As I finally pass you I'm feeling rather upset and yelling (in my mind anyway) obscenities at this stupid f***tard who wont move over to the next lane so I can pass you. Thats what the slow lane is for you freaking idiot. I pass you finally and peer into the passenger window where you are trying to avoid looking at me and omg you're an old person. Instantly I try to take back all the negative thoughts and profanities I just yelled at you while still obviously mad over the situation, I mean I have a heart too ya know. Just next time drive your ass in the slow lane ok. So I feel a slight twinge of regret but hey shit happens.
On to my next victims! Somali drivers!
Usually I would not single out a specific ethinicity group but sometimes you just gotta tell it the way it is ya feel me? So here's an example from today. I pull up to a parking spot at work ...street parking and I'm about to give the world my awesome version of parallel parking...so I pull up to the car in front just enough distance etc etc I whip my little honda crv
like Willow Smith whips her hair back and forth. Thats how good I am at parallel parking. Now I put my car in reverse because I'd like to get closer to the sidewalk without rubbing my tires against the pavement. So I'm keeping my eyes on my passenger side mirror I'm backing up and all of a sudden...lets call it female intuition tells me to look in my rear view mirror. I look back in my rear view mirror when lo and behold this fucking asshole who is on the opposite side of the road tries to do a 3 point turn right in the space that I'm backing up into....
lets examine the figure below
do you see where the number one arrow leads to....yeah that's the space my car was backing into before he decided to play god with my car...
now what the fuck is he doing ...
I'm a little ashamed to say/admit this but I rolled my window down and politely asked him although I'm pretty sure he couldn't hear since his window was rolled up if he thought we was (this is a direct quote) "DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DRIVING A FUCKING CAMEL!" You FUCKING ASSHOLE I COULD'VE HIT YOUR FUCKING CAR....WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS! He precedes to then park in the spot in front of the car I just parallel parked behind. Now is it me or was he clearly a fucking idiot. My mom always says that you don't drive for yourself you drive for other people on the road...well really she says "Yuh nuh drive fi yuhself yuh drive fi di ediaat driva dem" but I think the English version shall suffice for an interpretation. Seriously, though Somali drivers are always just doing something to irk me. Like talking on the phone using both hands to gesture and no hand on the steering wheel thus making the car swerve into my lane. Or the women are forever turning into lanes without signaling..or omg running a red light and almost broadsiding my mothers vehicle with my nephew in the back. Honestly in my mind and I know its harsh to say but no other worse drivers can compare to these people. In fact I want to petition that every Somali driver actually sit their road test with someone who is not Somalian. Because lets face it we all know everyone tries to go to the easiest place there is and find someone who is like us whether by gender or race who will undoubtedly pass us based on those likeness qualities. Plus half the time they don't even have licenses and then whose insurance rate goes up because of their stupidity.
Pedestrians, Pedestrians....I will not let you off of the hook either.
Alright now picture the same scenario as the previous scene. Only this really isn't a scenario but happened to me on last week Thursday. I'm whipping my car into a tight spot but I'm gonna make it when all of a sudden this woman who I saw crossing the street decides that my moving car is the perfect place to walk behind. I slam on my breaks even though I wasn't going fast at all so as to prevent from tapping her and this woman doesn't even glance towards me.
Want to know why...
because she's a fucking idiot thats why and stupid people always know when they have royally f'ed up. Listen up pedestrian I don't know if you've ever heard this before but its another saying i've picked up from my dear mother. "You never see a car in the morgue!" and this saying is very true...because people die when they get hit by cars or sometimes even while still in their cars. But banged up cars get recycled and turned into new car parts. People can't regenerate like that yet. So don't be and f'in idiot ok. Learn how to walk on the sidewalk and don't walk behind moving cars. Otherwise . . .
Cars can kill people. That's my point.....don't be stupid with your life. Oh and your driving...yeah it SUCKS!
Also sorry for the profanity, I'm working on it but when I get really heated about a particular topic it unleashes. But really uncensored Kelly is way better than censored Kelly.
Moving on. Now I may offend some of you with what I'm about to say but I'm just going to do it, and you should probably get over it at some point. The two worst set of drivers are old people and I mean OLD people and Somalians. Don't worry I'll also include stupid pedestrians in this post as well.
Lets start with the first example of older people. I realize that one day I will get old and that my driving reflexes will be dulled but seriously take public transportation it'll probably get you there in the same amount of time as the speed you are currently driving at. An elderly person is driving and consistently braking....not because there is something in front of them but because they are exceeding the speed limit.
On to my next victims! Somali drivers!
Usually I would not single out a specific ethinicity group but sometimes you just gotta tell it the way it is ya feel me? So here's an example from today. I pull up to a parking spot at work ...street parking and I'm about to give the world my awesome version of parallel parking...so I pull up to the car in front just enough distance etc etc I whip my little honda crv
like Willow Smith whips her hair back and forth. Thats how good I am at parallel parking. Now I put my car in reverse because I'd like to get closer to the sidewalk without rubbing my tires against the pavement. So I'm keeping my eyes on my passenger side mirror I'm backing up and all of a sudden...lets call it female intuition tells me to look in my rear view mirror. I look back in my rear view mirror when lo and behold this fucking asshole who is on the opposite side of the road tries to do a 3 point turn right in the space that I'm backing up into....
lets examine the figure below
now what the fuck is he doing ...
I'm a little ashamed to say/admit this but I rolled my window down and politely asked him although I'm pretty sure he couldn't hear since his window was rolled up if he thought we was (this is a direct quote) "DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DRIVING A FUCKING CAMEL!" You FUCKING ASSHOLE I COULD'VE HIT YOUR FUCKING CAR....WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS! He precedes to then park in the spot in front of the car I just parallel parked behind. Now is it me or was he clearly a fucking idiot. My mom always says that you don't drive for yourself you drive for other people on the road...well really she says "Yuh nuh drive fi yuhself yuh drive fi di ediaat driva dem" but I think the English version shall suffice for an interpretation. Seriously, though Somali drivers are always just doing something to irk me. Like talking on the phone using both hands to gesture and no hand on the steering wheel thus making the car swerve into my lane. Or the women are forever turning into lanes without signaling..or omg running a red light and almost broadsiding my mothers vehicle with my nephew in the back. Honestly in my mind and I know its harsh to say but no other worse drivers can compare to these people. In fact I want to petition that every Somali driver actually sit their road test with someone who is not Somalian. Because lets face it we all know everyone tries to go to the easiest place there is and find someone who is like us whether by gender or race who will undoubtedly pass us based on those likeness qualities. Plus half the time they don't even have licenses and then whose insurance rate goes up because of their stupidity.
Pedestrians, Pedestrians....I will not let you off of the hook either.
Alright now picture the same scenario as the previous scene. Only this really isn't a scenario but happened to me on last week Thursday. I'm whipping my car into a tight spot but I'm gonna make it when all of a sudden this woman who I saw crossing the street decides that my moving car is the perfect place to walk behind. I slam on my breaks even though I wasn't going fast at all so as to prevent from tapping her and this woman doesn't even glance towards me.
Want to know why...
because she's a fucking idiot thats why and stupid people always know when they have royally f'ed up. Listen up pedestrian I don't know if you've ever heard this before but its another saying i've picked up from my dear mother. "You never see a car in the morgue!" and this saying is very true...because people die when they get hit by cars or sometimes even while still in their cars. But banged up cars get recycled and turned into new car parts. People can't regenerate like that yet. So don't be and f'in idiot ok. Learn how to walk on the sidewalk and don't walk behind moving cars. Otherwise . . .
Cars can kill people. That's my point.....don't be stupid with your life. Oh and your driving...yeah it SUCKS!
Also sorry for the profanity, I'm working on it but when I get really heated about a particular topic it unleashes. But really uncensored Kelly is way better than censored Kelly.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
You never get a second chance to make a first impression
So if you know me or have heard anything about my love life, you'll know that I am using an online dating site to navigate the dating scene. I used to think that online dating was for ugly people, and while that statement may be at least 10% truth, it is also now my belief that it is for those who truly are just too busy to go hang out at a bar and pick up some random person expecting it to be love at first sight. Hello, have you not heard about beer goggles??? So yeah, I am a busy person now I know you're probably wondering how busy can a recent college graduate who got their first job right out of college in a few months be too busy to party it up. Simple. I've never been afforded the ability to not have to work hard for the things that I need/want. Plus no one wants to live off of their parents anyways, unless of course your a bum, or are affiliated with some type of royal lineage. Hey Prince Harry, I hear you're still available care to partake in some ebony ivory action. Hahaha totally joking. But seriously I do work a lot and when I'm not working I'm either going to the gym, or hanging out with my family because those things are most important to me. As I've gotten older I've come to realize that I haven't done a lot of dating but instead have been in semi-super serious monogamous relationships. Which means I've been super limited in meeting men. Now that I'm out of college I'm realizing that picking up some hot guy at a bar is not really a story I can tell at my wedding. Could you imagine the incredulous looks I'd get. Hey tell us the story of how you two met again. Well I was busting a move on the dance floor and hubby here was completely wasted and trying to grind with me...blah blah blah. Needless to say I needed a more respectable way to be "picked-up" and to "pick up" men friends. So I researched various websites from the ones you have to pay for to the completely free ones with no hidden costs or required credit card information.
The one I ultimately chose was called OkCupid.com
and surprisingly its kind of fun to fill out information about yourself, likes, dislikes, etc etc.
One thing you have to be very leery about though is falsifying your information. For example your username is "HotnSexy69" first off I'm thinking that you are going to be incredibly good looking and that you clearly know your way in the realm of sexcapades as you've probably had your fair amount of it. However upon further review you are a complete nerd who plays WOW (World of Warcraft --for those who don't know the acronym) and you have about as much sexual experience as a nun. Get it, . . . NONE! Ok sorry I just had to make one joke. Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you liking any of those things, in fact I'm sure some women enjoy playing WOW and they are saving themselves until marriage (<-- hey more power to you). In all honesty though, you are not being honest with yourself and with those of us trying to look for a potential partner. After all honesty is the best policy!
Back to me again... So, I wrote up an about me section careful to list both my pluses and minuses. Things that I'm looking for. Put up recent photos because I hate misleading photos that show you thinner, our with way more makeup on and airbrushed photos that look nothing like you. In fact I try to update my pictures at least every 3 months or at least date the photos I have on my profile so you can tell its me. I also hate photos that shows off just a body and not a face...I mean c'mon have you hear the term "butta-face." Everything was cute "but his/her face." In any case just flaunt what you got and don't try to make up for the fact that you lack something because someone will inevitably fall in love with just you! I've had a bit of success in teh online dating realm. I get alot of messages and whatnot from guys asking why I'm single and other getting to know you questions. I've also like a fair share of the guys I've spoken to online. However, I enjoy meeting face to face with these guys because a) its always differents talking to someone in person then on a social networking site, b) I want to know if you look just like your pictures c) I need to know if we have anything in common before I commit to going on a couple more dates with you. I am picky I know that but you just cant be choosing any and anybody these days. I've met some really intersting guys online, from male strippers who have actually video chatted and performed a somewhat routine for me, to male stalkers, to just down to earth guys that really would just melt your heart right there and then. This is the tricky part though. How are you supposed to know which one to go for??
Well, I recently was contacted by this guy who is really cute, has a job, a car, own place and absolutely adores his mom. Yay me is what I'm thinking. We make plans to hang out over the weekend. The day comes and I'm anticipating a phone call about a meeting place. I wait and wait and wait. To no avail I hear nothing back. Now I'm usually not the type to be all up in someone I've never met business, so I shoot a quick text saying. Hey I'm not sure what happened but maybe I got my dates mixed up and we were supposed to meet at another time. So I'm shifting the blame from him to me, at the same time I'm guilt tripping him into knowing he is standing me up. Now I'm super pissed but I let it go, plenty of fish in the sea ya know. I get an email back from the dating site from him 2 days later saying he lost his phone and had no other way to contact me and that he's sorry.
Um yeah right. "Lost your phone" is like code for I don't want your number so I lost it. Or I was at this raging party and I saw your text but was hanging out with someone better. Ok so I'm giving him the benefit of doubt that maybe he did really lose his phone and that he really couldn't get a hold of me. Alright right now he's on strike 1. I email back saying hope we can rain-check in the future and he responds instantaneously with a meeting time and spot. Perfection! I like a guy who can make decisions and plans just like that.
So I'm whittling the hours away at work because I'm really excited to meet this guy. Here's a little run down of who he is:
Male
African American
23
Studying Criminal Justice
Has his own place and lives by himself
Car that is in great shape
Works a decent job
Has really nice teeth
Taller than 5'6
Educated
Ok I'll stop at that for now but truly he is a great guy on paper that is. So I'm really anxious to meet up with him, and around noon I send him a text. "Hey just confirming that we will be seeing each other at 5pm, you pick the place and I'll be there!" He responds with, "Yep, can't wait!" Positive response right...well thats what I was thinking too until around 430pm when I still hadn't heard from him about a meeting place. Ok we're supposed to meet at 5 pm so I'm cutting him some slack. Whatever you do don't text him I think. Just give him enough rope to hang himself. Now I'm really good at gigving people the benefit of the doubt and chance after chance but here I am still sitting at work waiting for a text or phone call from him. All of a sudden my alter ego pops up into my head and says "Well, fuck that!, I'm not waiting on him, plenty of other guys in the sea." So of course I leave work in a pissy mood because this guy has royally screwed up ....STRIKE TWO in my opinion. I get into my car with all intensive purposes of leaving for home when I get a phone call. I look at my phone and what do you know....its him. So I stare at it awhile thinking, should I pick it up, or should I just tell him to suck it. Well lets just say my rational side came in to play. I answer the phone sweetly and calmly say, "Hey, whats up?" I can tell something is up but I chat with him a bit, he asks if we are still going to hang out and then gives me the address. The entire, and I do mean ENTIRE drive towards the meeting place, I'm silently chewing him out and giving him a piece of my mind. Like who does he think he is that he can just set up a time to meet and then be late and have me running late. So I get there, his back is facing me but I know from his pictures that its him. I hang back and check out my surroundings, surveying where all the exits are. Alright its time to go to work....I walk over to him and he stands up offering a hug instead of the weird handshake you may get upon meeting someone from the first time.
Now I won't get into the nitty gritty of our date because that was between us, but what I will say is that I'm glad I didn't write him off. All the while this guy was just really nervous about meeting a girl online. It was kind of sweet and endearing. He was so flustered.
I was astounded by the fact that I made him so nervous. HOMERUN in my opinion, or maybe we should switch sports and say the date was a SLAM DUNK! Needless to say we have been on 3 dates in total and I'm really digging him.
So while you may never get a second chance for a first impression, don't immediately write someone off based on the impression you think they are giving you...because you'll be astonished at the sincerity of their actions.
The one I ultimately chose was called OkCupid.com
One thing you have to be very leery about though is falsifying your information. For example your username is "HotnSexy69" first off I'm thinking that you are going to be incredibly good looking and that you clearly know your way in the realm of sexcapades as you've probably had your fair amount of it. However upon further review you are a complete nerd who plays WOW (World of Warcraft --for those who don't know the acronym) and you have about as much sexual experience as a nun. Get it, . . . NONE! Ok sorry I just had to make one joke. Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you liking any of those things, in fact I'm sure some women enjoy playing WOW and they are saving themselves until marriage (<-- hey more power to you). In all honesty though, you are not being honest with yourself and with those of us trying to look for a potential partner. After all honesty is the best policy!
Back to me again... So, I wrote up an about me section careful to list both my pluses and minuses. Things that I'm looking for. Put up recent photos because I hate misleading photos that show you thinner, our with way more makeup on and airbrushed photos that look nothing like you. In fact I try to update my pictures at least every 3 months or at least date the photos I have on my profile so you can tell its me. I also hate photos that shows off just a body and not a face...I mean c'mon have you hear the term "butta-face." Everything was cute "but his/her face." In any case just flaunt what you got and don't try to make up for the fact that you lack something because someone will inevitably fall in love with just you! I've had a bit of success in teh online dating realm. I get alot of messages and whatnot from guys asking why I'm single and other getting to know you questions. I've also like a fair share of the guys I've spoken to online. However, I enjoy meeting face to face with these guys because a) its always differents talking to someone in person then on a social networking site, b) I want to know if you look just like your pictures c) I need to know if we have anything in common before I commit to going on a couple more dates with you. I am picky I know that but you just cant be choosing any and anybody these days. I've met some really intersting guys online, from male strippers who have actually video chatted and performed a somewhat routine for me, to male stalkers, to just down to earth guys that really would just melt your heart right there and then. This is the tricky part though. How are you supposed to know which one to go for??
Well, I recently was contacted by this guy who is really cute, has a job, a car, own place and absolutely adores his mom. Yay me is what I'm thinking. We make plans to hang out over the weekend. The day comes and I'm anticipating a phone call about a meeting place. I wait and wait and wait. To no avail I hear nothing back. Now I'm usually not the type to be all up in someone I've never met business, so I shoot a quick text saying. Hey I'm not sure what happened but maybe I got my dates mixed up and we were supposed to meet at another time. So I'm shifting the blame from him to me, at the same time I'm guilt tripping him into knowing he is standing me up. Now I'm super pissed but I let it go, plenty of fish in the sea ya know. I get an email back from the dating site from him 2 days later saying he lost his phone and had no other way to contact me and that he's sorry.
So I'm whittling the hours away at work because I'm really excited to meet this guy. Here's a little run down of who he is:
Male
African American
23
Studying Criminal Justice
Has his own place and lives by himself
Car that is in great shape
Works a decent job
Has really nice teeth
Taller than 5'6
Educated
Ok I'll stop at that for now but truly he is a great guy on paper that is. So I'm really anxious to meet up with him, and around noon I send him a text. "Hey just confirming that we will be seeing each other at 5pm, you pick the place and I'll be there!" He responds with, "Yep, can't wait!" Positive response right...well thats what I was thinking too until around 430pm when I still hadn't heard from him about a meeting place. Ok we're supposed to meet at 5 pm so I'm cutting him some slack. Whatever you do don't text him I think. Just give him enough rope to hang himself. Now I'm really good at gigving people the benefit of the doubt and chance after chance but here I am still sitting at work waiting for a text or phone call from him. All of a sudden my alter ego pops up into my head and says "Well, fuck that!, I'm not waiting on him, plenty of other guys in the sea." So of course I leave work in a pissy mood because this guy has royally screwed up ....STRIKE TWO in my opinion. I get into my car with all intensive purposes of leaving for home when I get a phone call. I look at my phone and what do you know....its him. So I stare at it awhile thinking, should I pick it up, or should I just tell him to suck it. Well lets just say my rational side came in to play. I answer the phone sweetly and calmly say, "Hey, whats up?" I can tell something is up but I chat with him a bit, he asks if we are still going to hang out and then gives me the address. The entire, and I do mean ENTIRE drive towards the meeting place, I'm silently chewing him out and giving him a piece of my mind. Like who does he think he is that he can just set up a time to meet and then be late and have me running late. So I get there, his back is facing me but I know from his pictures that its him. I hang back and check out my surroundings, surveying where all the exits are. Alright its time to go to work....I walk over to him and he stands up offering a hug instead of the weird handshake you may get upon meeting someone from the first time.
Now I won't get into the nitty gritty of our date because that was between us, but what I will say is that I'm glad I didn't write him off. All the while this guy was just really nervous about meeting a girl online. It was kind of sweet and endearing. He was so flustered.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Pat me down
So this past weekend I took a mini vacation to a far far away place called the East Coast. I'd been dreaming for these couple of days, filled with great friends, past loves and booze. The most important thing being a couple of days with no worries, no work, and days where drinking is a sport, where the key to winning or as we alumni from Trinity College call it "Trinning" is not blacking out, or getting your stomach pumped, or dying. Its sad really what college does to those of us. Innocence lost, harumph. Anywho so I'm in the MSP Airport, check in for my flight, then wait in a long ass line at the security checkpoint. So I get up there unzip my suitcase take out my two ziploc bags filled with dangerous liquid like um i dunno, shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, and maybe some hand sanitizer. Remove my shoes, wearing absolutely no socks. So now my feet are on the bare tile and cold. Then I have to lug my big ass purse and carry-on on top of the conveyor belt. Take out my laptop out of its case and watch as all of my things are scanned and looked over by somewhere who is not my mother. Now wait one freaking second I'm not gonna complain about not being a terrorist and blah blah blah but really I mean what if I had something real weird like i dunno a vibrator. You know some smart ass TSA agent is either going to crack a joke or smirk oh wait did that really happen already to someone else.
(Click on link below if you want a real good laugh)
TSA Transportation Security Administration Worker Who Left 'Get Your Freak On' Note In Blogger Jill Filipovic's Luggage With Vibrator To Be Fired « CBS New York
Alright so you have to scan my shit while making me take off my sweatshirt so you can ogle my 36Bs and then have me walk on this bare floor and when I set the alarm off you want to pat me down. This is outrageous and I will curse your ass out so prepare. So now I'm pissed off and you are patting me down....I want a woman to pat me down get your nasty man hands away from me.
Now don't ever say I didn't rap for ya'll ok. Those lyrics are blackkatemoss ™ copyrighted don't steal them because I'm broke and I might just have to sue you.
OK back to point so now you've gotten to 2nd base with me and you didnt even offer to buy me drinks or take me out for dinner. Pshhh! How rude! (Rudy Huxtable voice....please google and watch a youtube video if you have no idea who that is). Alright back on track so if you thought this is not annoying then you clearly have not been through New Yorks JFK int'l airport. So picture the same above scene except without them asking to remove your sweatshirt. You remove all requested items follow all the rules then you precede to walk through the metal detectors ....Oh hold up the security officer puts up his/her hand and tells you to go back. So yeah I did just that, now I hear "turn sideways and put your feet in the boxes"....um what boxes, shit there are boxes that are on the ground for me to put my feet in. "Ok, now raise your arms up", ok yeah I did that, "No, higher, higher, all the way above your head."
Alright stop! Now I've never been arrested but I've watched enough movies to know when a black person is about to be arrested (please don't be offended for me I crack these jokes all the time). Now they can't really be serious can they .... (here's a very real picture of the methods they employ).
You done lost your mind....I'm all for national security but the madness has got to stop. How about you just put me in a glass cage filled with money blowing all around so I can dance for you erotically. After all I did take a pole aerobics class.
(Click on link below if you want a real good laugh)
TSA Transportation Security Administration Worker Who Left 'Get Your Freak On' Note In Blogger Jill Filipovic's Luggage With Vibrator To Be Fired « CBS New York
Alright so you have to scan my shit while making me take off my sweatshirt so you can ogle my 36Bs and then have me walk on this bare floor and when I set the alarm off you want to pat me down. This is outrageous and I will curse your ass out so prepare. So now I'm pissed off and you are patting me down....I want a woman to pat me down get your nasty man hands away from me.
TSA wanna pat me down
Shoulders, Chests, Pants, Shoes (x2)
They be getting in my way
When I'm tryna board a plane
TSA wanna pat me down ©
Now don't ever say I didn't rap for ya'll ok. Those lyrics are blackkatemoss ™ copyrighted don't steal them because I'm broke and I might just have to sue you.
OK back to point so now you've gotten to 2nd base with me and you didnt even offer to buy me drinks or take me out for dinner. Pshhh! How rude! (Rudy Huxtable voice....please google and watch a youtube video if you have no idea who that is). Alright back on track so if you thought this is not annoying then you clearly have not been through New Yorks JFK int'l airport. So picture the same above scene except without them asking to remove your sweatshirt. You remove all requested items follow all the rules then you precede to walk through the metal detectors ....Oh hold up the security officer puts up his/her hand and tells you to go back. So yeah I did just that, now I hear "turn sideways and put your feet in the boxes"....um what boxes, shit there are boxes that are on the ground for me to put my feet in. "Ok, now raise your arms up", ok yeah I did that, "No, higher, higher, all the way above your head."
Alright stop! Now I've never been arrested but I've watched enough movies to know when a black person is about to be arrested (please don't be offended for me I crack these jokes all the time). Now they can't really be serious can they .... (here's a very real picture of the methods they employ).
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Pick your shit up
I'm not sure if I you think I've been blunt with my blogging but I think this post will be very blunt and direct. Again let me preface this with a disclaimer. None of the things that I right about are direct examples from my day to day life. I only give credit when I believe credit is due. So if I name you*, just be happy you got a mention and if you don't shrug it off. Not everyone is meant for celebrity status.
*All names dropped in my blog and photos used are used with permission from their respective parties.)
Alright now that we got that out of the way lets start this off with 2 direct quotes from my mother (Mama Wubben),
"The most important places in your home that should be clean is your bathroom and the kitchen."
The second one is:
"The reason that I know where everything is in my house is because I put things back right after I use them, in the place that I got it from."
So now you are probably wondering what those things have in common with the blog ...well hello the title says it alone. Clean up after yourself is a more polite way of saying what I really mean.
This refers to everyone but more importantly this blog stems from my wait for it, wait for it . . . my job. Yes remember when I said that I'm a rehab bitch? Well some of my job also includes picking up things when people leave them out. Now under normal circumstances when someone leaves something out I'm happy to oblige them by picking it up. But then you have those people, yes those people, you know who I'm talking about. They take everything and the kitchen sink out, play with 1 item and then a) leave it all out taking up the room for who knows how long or b) place a sign on it that says it is all dirty and must be cleaned. Now c'mon people, c'mon! I don't mean to bitch and complain but seriously its like you're intentionally doing this. I understand that giving a kid some options can be very valuable and persuasive in getting them to do what you want them to do.
But no one in their right mind wants to pick up all of that shit after you've used only one item. While you are showing them ADLs teach them that after you use something you have to put things back.
My favorite thing is also when a therapist comes to ask me where such and such object is....like oh i dunno maybe in the closet where its supposed to be. Oh wait you mean you're the last person to have used that particular item and forgot to put it away and now can't find it. That's awesome!
I hope you can discern (oops sorry Kaitlin thats a big word huh?) my sarcasm, because this blog is going to be full of it.
Now don't get me wrong there are some therapists that own up when they leave a mess. They leave a note, or clean it up themselves
...or even better they come up to you (cough cough Jackie) and tell you how sorry they are that they are leaving a mess and will come back to clean it. Or they give you a pumpkin latte (hint hint OT therapists) for cleaning it all up.
But seriously pick your shit up please.
Because we are tired of doing it for you and even though its our jobs you are being a pain in the ass by being completely and utterly lazy.
Ok so now that I got that off my chest lets go to the second topic. Please put things back where you got them from. I absolutely despise, well not really despise but a real strong aversion when someone comes up to me and asks me where such and such thing is. Literally I'm like why even bother labeling things when they never get put back in the right spot. Or that they, god forbid, actually put something back but not where they got it from. Yea thanks guys I'm so happy to help you look for something that you conveniently placed somewhere else.
Now I do understand that things get misplaced, but when it happens all the time its like do you even care about the people that you are working with. I know I'm no saint and I realize that we are all human but it just sucks sometimes when people take advantage of a good situation because they can. So let's all just do the right thing, and help us help you by occasionally picking your shit up. Oh and a thank you once in awhile wouldn't hurt either.
*All names dropped in my blog and photos used are used with permission from their respective parties.)
Alright now that we got that out of the way lets start this off with 2 direct quotes from my mother (Mama Wubben),
"The most important places in your home that should be clean is your bathroom and the kitchen."
The second one is:
"The reason that I know where everything is in my house is because I put things back right after I use them, in the place that I got it from."
So now you are probably wondering what those things have in common with the blog ...well hello the title says it alone. Clean up after yourself is a more polite way of saying what I really mean.
This refers to everyone but more importantly this blog stems from my wait for it, wait for it . . . my job. Yes remember when I said that I'm a rehab bitch? Well some of my job also includes picking up things when people leave them out. Now under normal circumstances when someone leaves something out I'm happy to oblige them by picking it up. But then you have those people, yes those people, you know who I'm talking about. They take everything and the kitchen sink out, play with 1 item and then a) leave it all out taking up the room for who knows how long or b) place a sign on it that says it is all dirty and must be cleaned. Now c'mon people, c'mon! I don't mean to bitch and complain but seriously its like you're intentionally doing this. I understand that giving a kid some options can be very valuable and persuasive in getting them to do what you want them to do.
But no one in their right mind wants to pick up all of that shit after you've used only one item. While you are showing them ADLs teach them that after you use something you have to put things back.
My favorite thing is also when a therapist comes to ask me where such and such object is....like oh i dunno maybe in the closet where its supposed to be. Oh wait you mean you're the last person to have used that particular item and forgot to put it away and now can't find it. That's awesome!
I hope you can discern (oops sorry Kaitlin thats a big word huh?) my sarcasm, because this blog is going to be full of it.
Now don't get me wrong there are some therapists that own up when they leave a mess. They leave a note, or clean it up themselves
...or even better they come up to you (cough cough Jackie) and tell you how sorry they are that they are leaving a mess and will come back to clean it. Or they give you a pumpkin latte (hint hint OT therapists) for cleaning it all up.
But seriously pick your shit up please.
Because we are tired of doing it for you and even though its our jobs you are being a pain in the ass by being completely and utterly lazy.
Ok so now that I got that off my chest lets go to the second topic. Please put things back where you got them from. I absolutely despise, well not really despise but a real strong aversion when someone comes up to me and asks me where such and such thing is. Literally I'm like why even bother labeling things when they never get put back in the right spot. Or that they, god forbid, actually put something back but not where they got it from. Yea thanks guys I'm so happy to help you look for something that you conveniently placed somewhere else.
Now I do understand that things get misplaced, but when it happens all the time its like do you even care about the people that you are working with. I know I'm no saint and I realize that we are all human but it just sucks sometimes when people take advantage of a good situation because they can. So let's all just do the right thing, and help us help you by occasionally picking your shit up. Oh and a thank you once in awhile wouldn't hurt either.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
How about I drop everything I'm doing and help you
Disclaimer: None of what I write is directed at one specific person, group of people or entities. Please don't try to bust my ass. Thanks!
So I have this job where I pretty much am asked to do alot of stuff. Sometimes its fun cool stuff like watch this kid do something amazing like take their first steps or play a game on the wii (my favorite thing to do) with a kid where his left side is weaker. But then there are things like hey Kell can you run down and grab a pair of crutches, 1 pair of each size oh and can you walk them down to a therapist and bring back the ones she (because yes, its a predominantly female profession) doesn't need.
Usually I roll my eyes at the latter and try to pass it off on someone else like a fellow co-worker or a volunteer. In the event that I can't persuade someone to do it, I will walk my butt down across the skyway, with 5 sets of crutches with a smile on my face while inwardly cursing about the heavy crutches in my arms. Now don't get me wrong I absolutely love my job and all the things that could possibly annoy it. I actually even leave my home early to get to work that's how much I enjoy it.
But there are some days when I feel like the Rehab Bitch....I swore hahaha bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch ok I got it out my system and I hope you are over the use of that word.
So, I'm running around like my head is cut off doing my own regular bitch work that I thoroughly enjoy. When all of a sudden guess who comes along yep you
...asking me to do something for you that you could probably do in 2 seconds rather than talking to me and explaining what it is that you want done. Oh you want me to mail the letter you just wrote to a family...when really what you are asking is for me to do is to lick the envelope and put it in the mail slot. Oh wait a second we are standing in front of the mailboxes and you've already sealed the envelope and put a stamp on it. So what you really want me to do is to stop the work that I am getting paid to do.... to do something that you and I are both capable of doing and you probably have a block in your schedule where there is time for you to walk 10 feet from your chair and drop the letter into the mail slot.
Or better yet I'm currently walking down the hall going to grab a patient and you've just pulled me aside to talk about a project you want me to finish by the end of the day. Um are you serious.....unlike you I don't get a block of time in my schedule I'm on 7 hours during an 8 hour shift. I don't get built in blocks in my schedule and now you are smiling and asking me to do something for you and your saying please and thank you and talking to me like I'm a toddler. Like if you just talk in a soft voice I will gladly jump for joy and do your bidding. You must have lost your mind...but oh no wait I'm nodding and smiling back saying of course I can help you finish your task because that's what people do.
Don't worry you are not the only person who orders me around. That's my mothers job as well.
This is an everyday scenario that I will share with you. I come home from a long day of grunt work, eat dinner and retreat into the basement where I will attempt to read about 100 pages or so of a book. When my mother from her bedroom yells down to me (Yes, she actually does yell, and her voice reaches me in the basement)....oooh or better yet she will call me using the house phone intercom to come upstairs. Begrudginly I will put down my book and run up 32 stairs and into her bedroom. Hey Mom, whats up I'll say. She will respond with "Can you pass me the remote control on the dresser." Ok pause the story. Does anyone see anything wrong with this scenario.... This woman just called me from the basement of the house to ask me to pass her a remote control that is on the dresser in her bedroom.
Wow thats just lazy! But hey she's my mom she's allowed to order me around and be lazy after 50+ years of working.
Back to the point.
I'd just like you all to know that just because their is someone below you in a job doesn't mean that they have to be doing your grunt work. And if heaven forbid you are one of those people then you better stop placating those of us "bitches" with all of your grunt work because maybe one day we'll snap. I'm not saying I wil,l because I'm generally a nice person. I'm just saying someone out there might and it may not be pretty.
Remember the golden rule folks! Treat others how you would like to be treated. And if you do ask people to help you do grunt work just remember that they are people too and they have feelings. Be a role model and occasionally thank the people who serve under you. Not because I said it but because it is the right thing to do.
Don't ask me to ridiculous things for you if you wouldn't want someone to ask you to do it. If it sounds bad to you, it probably will sound just the same to me.
So I have this job where I pretty much am asked to do alot of stuff. Sometimes its fun cool stuff like watch this kid do something amazing like take their first steps or play a game on the wii (my favorite thing to do) with a kid where his left side is weaker. But then there are things like hey Kell can you run down and grab a pair of crutches, 1 pair of each size oh and can you walk them down to a therapist and bring back the ones she (because yes, its a predominantly female profession) doesn't need.
Usually I roll my eyes at the latter and try to pass it off on someone else like a fellow co-worker or a volunteer. In the event that I can't persuade someone to do it, I will walk my butt down across the skyway, with 5 sets of crutches with a smile on my face while inwardly cursing about the heavy crutches in my arms. Now don't get me wrong I absolutely love my job and all the things that could possibly annoy it. I actually even leave my home early to get to work that's how much I enjoy it.
But there are some days when I feel like the Rehab Bitch....I swore hahaha bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch ok I got it out my system and I hope you are over the use of that word.
So, I'm running around like my head is cut off doing my own regular bitch work that I thoroughly enjoy. When all of a sudden guess who comes along yep you
...asking me to do something for you that you could probably do in 2 seconds rather than talking to me and explaining what it is that you want done. Oh you want me to mail the letter you just wrote to a family...when really what you are asking is for me to do is to lick the envelope and put it in the mail slot. Oh wait a second we are standing in front of the mailboxes and you've already sealed the envelope and put a stamp on it. So what you really want me to do is to stop the work that I am getting paid to do.... to do something that you and I are both capable of doing and you probably have a block in your schedule where there is time for you to walk 10 feet from your chair and drop the letter into the mail slot.
Or better yet I'm currently walking down the hall going to grab a patient and you've just pulled me aside to talk about a project you want me to finish by the end of the day. Um are you serious.....unlike you I don't get a block of time in my schedule I'm on 7 hours during an 8 hour shift. I don't get built in blocks in my schedule and now you are smiling and asking me to do something for you and your saying please and thank you and talking to me like I'm a toddler. Like if you just talk in a soft voice I will gladly jump for joy and do your bidding. You must have lost your mind...but oh no wait I'm nodding and smiling back saying of course I can help you finish your task because that's what people do.
Don't worry you are not the only person who orders me around. That's my mothers job as well.
This is an everyday scenario that I will share with you. I come home from a long day of grunt work, eat dinner and retreat into the basement where I will attempt to read about 100 pages or so of a book. When my mother from her bedroom yells down to me (Yes, she actually does yell, and her voice reaches me in the basement)....oooh or better yet she will call me using the house phone intercom to come upstairs. Begrudginly I will put down my book and run up 32 stairs and into her bedroom. Hey Mom, whats up I'll say. She will respond with "Can you pass me the remote control on the dresser." Ok pause the story. Does anyone see anything wrong with this scenario.... This woman just called me from the basement of the house to ask me to pass her a remote control that is on the dresser in her bedroom.
Wow thats just lazy! But hey she's my mom she's allowed to order me around and be lazy after 50+ years of working.
Back to the point.
I'd just like you all to know that just because their is someone below you in a job doesn't mean that they have to be doing your grunt work. And if heaven forbid you are one of those people then you better stop placating those of us "bitches" with all of your grunt work because maybe one day we'll snap. I'm not saying I wil,l because I'm generally a nice person. I'm just saying someone out there might and it may not be pretty.
Remember the golden rule folks! Treat others how you would like to be treated. And if you do ask people to help you do grunt work just remember that they are people too and they have feelings. Be a role model and occasionally thank the people who serve under you. Not because I said it but because it is the right thing to do.
Don't ask me to ridiculous things for you if you wouldn't want someone to ask you to do it. If it sounds bad to you, it probably will sound just the same to me.
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